my connection to the internet is faulty; will try to get it fixed tomorrow.

let it be known that i won't be able to watch Being John Malkovich unless i get over my fear of the low-ceilinged office building. it makes me sick, i don't know why.

it's so strange being idle. i couldn't find anything in books or the television, so i have retreated to the computer. i have got absolutely nothing to do except hope for it to rain so i can sit in a puddle wearing purple pinstriped trousers.

i'm listening to air's vibraphone version of the song Playground Love. it's the most feminine song ever, and not in a bad way either.

i know exactly why i love her, and it's because she's, as she puts it, a "diehard romantic". yes.

today was an especially cool day.

biological warfare was interesting, although there is absolutely no way i am ever going to tokyo, what with their microwaving cults. after a bit of confusion, i and heather took the train to town. we sat down in this comfortable coffee place, eating and talking about certain beautiful people. i swear, those coffee-house owners know how to play the right old songs at the right times. there was this shop that sold boy-girl keychains for couples, and we switched them around till they were all homosexual before dashing out. spiffy, i say.

i got back around eight. it was awful, because i had no idea where i was or where the cab was going; and by the time the fare was 4.50, i was only at fucking Farrer. my wallet has been depleted, although i did get to sit back and listen to Suede. i'm glad to be home.

this weekend, i'm going to start reading, as well as get the haircut i'm badly in need of. at least school gives my life some structure.

definitely the hottest summer i've ever experienced.

okay, the exams are over, but i've sort of lost the exalted feeling i had two years back. i was accosted by a few people on my way out of school, but the truth is, i hate watching movies. i can't stand having to queue up for a ticket and sitting down in darkness for almost two hours; and i tend to finish whatever junk food i am eating right before the movie begins. i only make exceptions for Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. apologies to those i shunned, especially cute melinda.

to celebrate, i bought a ridiculous amount of drinks. i couldn't afford wine, but red grape juice should be a sufficient placebo for a non-alcoholic like me.

happy birthday, nina! i love you.

bugger additional mathematics. i've been lying around sipping coffee and eating Marks and Spencer's chocolate biscuits. am so going to dante's hell for this.

fresh grapes have just arrived.

well, bloody hell, two more papers. i wish i wasn't so deficient in mathematical intelligence.

heather is going to to university with me after all. that's fairly reassuring, although i suspect she'll spend the entire journey in tears. my mother thoroughly disapproves of me studying History in future, and as she's always right, i think i might just end up sweeping train stations.

i swore silently i wouldn't get out of bed this morning, but i did. last night i dreamt i lived in a brick apartment in New York, which i have never been to. it collapsed.

look who's drunk too much coffee!

i should start planning what to do when the exams are over. so far, it's sketching and Being John Malkovich.

update on studying: not too good. i'm halfway through King of the Castle but i haven't absorbed anything yet. whenever i think of Charles Kingshaw, Morrissey's Used To Be A Sweet Boy gets stuck in my head.

my father accidentally scratched another car. not just any car, but a brand new Mercedes Benz. i have to agree; he is terribly unlucky these days. if not for my mum we'd be on the dole.

je suis malade. very. but all i need is no exams and a beautiful dreamer to wake unto me.

these are my thoughts: whatever is fundamentally wrong is wrong, and nothing will change that, no matter how much you hang out your tongue and worm around.

it's vesak day today. good old hermann hesse.

today a butterfly fluttered past me. it's true; you could make a model and line its wings with titanium, but no serum would be able to make it of more account than a paper drawing. heather, you will always be mein beste freund, although you are a little obsessive most of the time. no one else watches the same television programmes, or is as quixotic (or as you put it, proactive).

the weather is getting hot! i like the word "archaic".

if i'm not wrong, my library books are kind of overdue.

i have got a new bedspread that is dark red and fleecy. the sun always shines over it and my feet.

i'm also really happy, because we might perform Belle and Sebastian's Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying, which is a great song. the girl in my dreams will be playing the violin, and tiffany and i will be on guitar. i'm trying to find someone who can learn fast to play the xylophone. at times like these, i wish i had multiple hands and good coordination. in short, i love arranging music. from now onwards, i will not only doodle idly, but instead write out melodies on my Biology notes.

i can't understand some characters, especially the girl who pathetically faked writing to get into CAP. let's face it - you'll only end up with a high-class, boring job; a high-class, boring husband, and a high-class, boring life. those could never satisfy me, or most people i know, for that matter. we don't need to be just another over-ambitious socialite with rigidly correct credentials.

funniest news i've heard all day.

i watched amelie last night! in short, it's wonderful, the sort of film which makes you smile elfishly when you think about it. i also congratulate the cameramen, for having a brilliant sense of colour and atmosphere.

i really want to own Of Montreal's The Bedside Drama and Coquelicot Asleep In The Poppies. can't seem to find them here, though.

two things that persistently make me laugh at the wrong times:

jeannette's Pakistan club
joce's tendencies towards gardening, when she was a kid

although it's ten o' clock it feels just like the evening. i could sit on the swings in the playground and look at the stars. for god's sake, there's so much i want to do but can't because school never ends. i want to wander around like i did in december, and read books on park benches when it's cold, write a strange song with someone i love.

natalie was talking about leaving school today. i doubt she meant it; but the funny thing is, that thought has never occured to me. why haven't i?

because i would still have to find a job, anyway.

i feel strange whenever i come across anyone else named des (like her, for example). perfectly respectable, all des people are.

when i got home today i threw my bag down and let loose a series of wild howls. i wonder what brought that on.

has anyone ever heard of non-violent anarchists?

topped class for History. it's the only subject i'm good at, after all. unfortunately, i have got a B average, which is really shitty. i don't see how i'm going to become a full professor by twenty-eight, if i get through my O levels it will be a miracle.

i really want to be in your bed with you and the covers over us. but when i think about it my eye muscles clench involuntarily and i have to bury my face in my hands, lying on my own floor. one should always have good music to listen to, regardless of one's state of mind. it makes up for a lot.

just for the hell of it, here is a list of valid reasons to commit suicide:
1. you have got AIDS
2. your eardrums are permanently damaged, and you are a musician without perfect pitch
3. your country is going to be nuclear-bombed by a tyrant, and you're unable to do anything about it (i.e. locked in prison)

i'll think of more.

i think i'm beginning to see things in terms of beautiful, unbeautiful, or ugly.

my mum bought me a book, sold at a discount because it was so old. it's called An Imaginary Life. i found it in a small bookstore that sold large monochrome photographs of French chapels. last saturday, i ran in the rain, watched watercoloured koi, and danced with a really lovely girl. apart from the fact exams are in around ten days, life is sweet.

phyllis drew a flower on my hand in red ink. it won't come off. she also draws the cutest fat sheep, but she likes my atoms.