sangria please.

this is the progressive theory.

music that is making me sad: thirteen, wilco.
music that is making me cry: cronulla breakdown, the pernice brothers.

i have no idea why i actually stumble out of bed every morning. maybe i will decide not to, for a change.

"My name is Bond. Ionic Bond."

i'm very tired and i don't have much of an explanation. if i had a microphone i'd record the big noise the electric guitar can make.

the library is really comfortable. books have their thoughts waiting to be opened, and when i'm surrounded by them i feel terribly at ease. geraldine was right, the canteen is noisy and cluttered and you always have to queue up.

i want to write W. H. Auden's Lullaby on someone's bare back with a paintbrush, preferably in the early evening. the thought is almost chillingly erotic.

i am short-circuited somewhere. it would be better if the wires weren't connected to my endorphin level. beauty is the only thing that keeps me sane.

i am forever indebted to my mum because i finally have an electric guitar.

i woke up at three and couldn't get back to sleep again. i was slightly pertubed after experiencing a delusional dream about being Cherie Blair, in which i wore a yellow ballgown and went around breaking things in a bookstore. i knew i didn't have enough money to pay for the destruction, so i hid behind a wall. my mum found me, and i told her i had just escaped that mad monk Rasputin.

my entire mouth tastes of fish, i'm certain i cannot eat fish ever again. i couldn't bear to eat tuna for breakfast and asked for jam instead. the jam started looking like clumps of blood. the war strategy was published in the papers today. i can't have a decent read because everything is about war, whether the topic is the United States or Singapore. there is a sickness growing in my stomach. it is fermenting slowly. heather, i'm ill. both war and love are killing me, i'm dying.

my veins are beginning the Moulin Rouge tango.

i have proof to substantiate the horrible truth that i am, in fact, 100% asexual. i have worried about it before but now it is positive.

this had to happen exactly a week after Valentine's.

apparently, a war on Iraq costs one trillion.

shit, you'd be a real sod to spend that kind of money on war. i know i'd buy a library and a convertible.

i had a really good morning. i ate frosted flakes and spilled a lot of sugar on my guitar. now i can smell lunch. for now, life is sweet.

no school tomorrow, so i've been reading, giving monologues, basically farting around. i feel strange and disconnected, like my brain is floating around three feet above my head. time passes so slowly when you want it to.

today i found some cigarettes outside the school gate. i'm quite sure they belong to the degenerate vodka-owner. i also got full marks for history test, go me.

someone i know swallowed twenty sleeping pills a couple of days ago. i'm so used to seeing this in newspapers, in pamphlets about whatever i don't give a fuck, but she was flesh and bone and blood and sat beside me. i think i am beginning to grasp some form of reality, and it isn't particularly nice.

to all politicians: i encourage you to read If The War Continues, a short story by Hermann Hesse.

i had an okay sort of morning and a pretty good afternoon with heather and pete. i bought the fairy tales of hermann hesse and a black shirt with an anarchist logo. i felt very shitty just now but slept it off, and since i have a nice meal coming in, i guess i can't complain. i dug out a few ancient CDs that were decomposing in my closet. ordinary man is a song by one German band i would like you to see.

that's about it.

i need to stop being stupid and instead begin saving for an electric guitar. there was one that i really fancied.

happy valentine's. being the miser i am, i received much love (namely food) with a guilty heart.

two interesting things happened to me today morning. to my surprise, i discovered a medium-sized bottle of vodka lying under the tree that grows directly behind my school gate. i figured i didn't know where it'd been, and didn't bother to take it. after that, i saw a small pale person walking to her classroom with her best friend. her bag was too big for her. halfway through, they ran into a third girl who promptly started a lively conversation, and after a while the small pale person ended up walking a distance behind her two friends. it's terribly sad because this happens to a million others, too.

i bought lots of coffee with my remaining cash.

saddam hussein's speech sounded like a satire to begin with.

i am getting very tired of school. did surprisingly well for first chemistry test, screwed up the second.

tomorrow's valentine's day. i'll settle for the top of an abandoned building in a busy city, where we're far away enough to see cars but not hear them. and we'll sit down on the concrete and sip some wine and i'll try to point out stars but give up sooner or later and then everything will be wonderfully quiet, except for your breathing. it's kind of cold, so we automatically lean close. you'll be watching the sky and i'll be trying to memorise the smooth lines of your profile.

this is only applicable if i have someone. for now, give me coffee and TV.

i've been having funny fuzzy dreams about outer space and subterranean places. am also horribly sexually frustrated. how i despise being an adolescent.

when i walked into the hospital it was fine, because the air-conditioning was light and there were many people walking around, like a shopping complex, but when i stepped into the ward i wanted to run back. it was sterile and medicinal and..i don't know. they kept the doors open so i had to avert my eyes every time i walked past a room. there was a girl with an oxygen mask on. she could be in school, she could be drawing a picture. and when i think about it, it's like i'll never be happy again.

well, my dad's discharged now, so it's okay. woke up later, had spartan breakfast; have mathematics to do.

there are ink-stains on my wrist and my eyes are yellow. tomorrow is a holiday.

guides is so cool, although i stink and i have premature arthritis. i'm proud to say i had a good sleep last night for the first time in months, and i miss you and autumn. i really do. will write some more later, but for now, lunch calls.

i am tempted to say today was lousy in all aspects, but since tomorrow's the weekend, it can't be so bad.

i'm leader for the project we're supposed to complete by September. it's definitely a bit of a thrill, knowing you're supposed to get everything together, and that success is determined by the paths you choose for everyone. this is merely a small group; i wonder about Caesar.

go visit my very cool cousin.

just now i had a strong urge to bite the top off my orange highlighter. weird.

it's quite cold today. my father has gone to hospital and i hope he'll be back soon; i don't know what to think or what to feel. i'm seriously not used to this and my lack of reaction amazes me. shit, don't tell me i'm apathetic because i don't intend to be.

a word i really like is fey. dictionary.com defines it as "having or displaying an otherworldly, magical, or fairylike aspect or quality". strangely enough, it has another extremely contrary meaning: "fated to die soon".

tests are creeping up on me like silent tigers but i am calmed by mint chip ice cream.

Lullaby is a poem by W. H. Auden. i sent a copy of the first stanza to nina, hope she likes it.

i have been thinking about revolutionaries and how they attain the courage to write books and lead the population. honestly, if put in that position, i would be obsessed with the possibility of my beliefs being irrational. and i'm not even sure if i don't fear exile. i've had freedom since birth, so i don't see why i should throw it away. i wonder what's worth fighting for.

if i were brave and foolish i would start a protest against the removal of the school canteen. i think we're having pizza tonight.

i can't think of what to say. some things i encounter are beautiful, some are bizarre, and the rest are just bloody stupid like the way i am feeling now.

literature lecture wasn't half as bad as subsequent mathematics period. thankfully i did pretty well for the test.

my father is telling me about a nightmare he had and i am listening and his voice jars my head and i can't think and my brain is wrapped around with white snakes and the silence is back, good good silence.

school was reasonable. today we were allowed to wear stuff other than the uniform, so i saw an abundance of mini-miniskirts and constricting tops. sometimes my own gender baffles me. i would like a sex-change operation around now; this is how disgusted i am with some females.

i want to write a letter and yes, seal it, stamp it, and smile at the postman.

think about why you decided to come here in the first place.

there was a huge fire at a place i used to pass almost every week. all the flowers were burned.

this almost sums up the amount of lousiness that has occured this week, aside from the space tragedy.

one of the chief things i do, i find, is wonder. i like pondering over what's going on, why it's beautiful, why it's ugly (and how i can change it). i figure doing this too much will result in me forgetting to find out what i asked yesterday.

and sometimes i wonder so much i have a power shortage in my brain, and the only apparent answer is myself and my mistakes.

here's another cool site.

we choose our favourites carefully.

i watched Moulin Rouge again last night. shameless, flamboyant, sad fun. i wish more people used typewriters these days; now we have Courier New.

whatever life is, it takes mornings and damp hair and 15% off at the bookstore.